An expat and a refugee: The fellowship of dissent, exile and the defense of distant homelands

I first met Ahmad in March 2003 on a narrow street shining with rainwater in the deceptively unassuming castle district of Prague a few blocks from Saddam’s embassy.

He was wrapped in a gray raincoat and almost shockingly diminutive. I’d been told I was meeting the head of a local Iraqi dissident organization, and I expected someone a little more substantial. When he turned toward me, his face was one of those that stays handsome decades beyond youth, thin and well-angled, with wrinkles that enhance rather than detract. But I instantly felt his fear.

Saddam Hussein was still in power in Iraq, and a US invasion for the purpose of “regime change” was clearly imminent. Since Ahmad was willing to help antiwar Americans, I’d also kind of assumed he felt completely safe from Saddam’s regime here in Central Europe. It was another preconception I got wrong.

“I’ve lived here for 20 years, and I’ve never been this close to that embassy.” Ahmad’s first words to me were in flawless Czech with a slight Arabic accent that also enhanced rather than detracted from his words.

I instantly recalibrated my approach. This would take tact and empathy. Not that I’d been planning on not being empathetic. But I’d been expecting to get right into the plan and the politics. But Ahmad plunged into the personal and the stuff I would have been afraid to bring up across the cultural divide.

Image of a prague street at night, cobblestones underfoot and ancient stone arches above a small group of people walking through the light from an open doorway - Creative commons image by david seibold of flickr.com

He’d been a young anti-Saddam resistance fighter back in the 1980s at a time when the US was backing Saddam’s regime. He wasn’t Muslim, he pointed out, but rather part of a small Aramaic minority. He’d barely survived when the resistance was pulverized and sent scattering across heavily armed borders. He’d lain in a ditch just a few feet from guys with machine guns who knew he was out there and who would get a bounty if they killed him. They just didn’t happen to look down, so he lived.

Eventually, he’d made it to Turkey and was given the choice of several Soviet-bloc countries where he could get asylum and start his life over--alone, without family or anything more than his technical school education. He had to go to the Soviet bloc because an enemy of Saddam was, at the time, an enemy of the United States.

He told me he chose Czechoslovakia because his resistance cell used to meet in a brewery started by a Czech expat who lived in Iraq for a while. That was all he had to go on. The Czechs have good beer.

Now, it was 2003, the Soviet Union had fallen, Czechoslovakia was no more, the Czechs were in NATO and the United States had changed their tune about Saddam. I could tell Ahmad’s take on the politics of the situation was at best “complicated.” I didn’t blame him. On that first day, we could at least agree that his family was stuck in Iraq and facing the “shock and awe” tactics of the US military and that was not okay. We also both agreed that Saddam really sucked, but that a foreign invasion wasn’t going to help the local political situation.

With that rudimentary sense of common ground, we started an alliance between Czech, American and international antiwar groups and the Iraqi refugees in Prague. There were not many places where antiwar groups had that kind of friendship with the Iraqis. I don’t know if all the Iraqi dissident groups listened and gave the benefit of the doubt to antiwar westerners the way Ahmad did, but I know for a fact that a lot of ultra-focused antiwar activists didn’t dial right down to empathy. Maybe that was why we were different.

We held a protest in front of the Iraqi Embassy that day and then marched to the US Embassy to register our opposition to war plans. We were saying no to war and to authoritarianism by both the US and Iraqi regimes. We were making clear that opposition to the war did not mean support for Saddam’s tyranny.

Later, there were long evenings in Prague wine cellars, where I’d sit next to Ahmad while Czech activists yelled across the table and haggled about which political parties should be allowed to show their symbols at our antiwar rallies. They all wanted Ahmad there. He was a great symbol, but he rarely got a word in with his quiet voice and unassuming stature.

In one such cellar, he finally asked me. “Why are you doing this?”

We’d been over his reasons quite a few times. But I’d just assumed he understood mine. I must have gaped at him a moment too long because he clarified, “At the rally, you said you aren’t a pacifist.”

I had said that in a speech, explaining why Americans abroad were against the war. I’d said that even if one believes some wars are just, this one surely was not. We had plenty of evidence that the “weapons of mass destruction” thing was overblown propaganda. I’d gone on about civilian casualties and soldiers coming home in body bags. But apparently this hadn’t satisfied Ahmad’s curiosity.

Fair enough. Why did I care? I didn’t have any relatives in the military or in harm’s way? Why was I spending all of my spare time organizing protests against this war? He also knew I wasn’t in any political party, given my stance in the Czech inter-party debates. It was a fair question.

“I’m fighting for my country, for our democracy,” I told him. “The underlying issue is that this war and everything that’s happened since 9/11 has changed my country—America. It’s turned it into a hateful state, a surveillance state and largely a police state. Our democracy was never perfect, but this war and the Patriot Act and the rest of it is threatening what democracy we have. Sure, I care about people in Iraq. I don’t want your people to die. That’s just wrong, and I’d do what I can to stop it in any country. But yes, the reason I’m so committed, the reason I’m doing this every day, all day, sacrificing everything else to it, is because I’m afraid for my country too. We probably won’t lose militarily. But we may well lose our democracy and our freedom in this war.”

He listened but didn’t say whether he agreed with me.

Ahmad and I marched side by side at the head of a lot of antiwar demonstrations over the next two years. And he never questioned me again. There were times when we trusted each other with dangerous situations. We stood up for each other whenever there was need. If the Czech Communists came after me, he’d have my back and they would back down in the face of his moral authority. If the international activists criticized him for giving complex answers and being glad when Saddam fell a few months into the war, I defended his right to have complicated interests.

A few months into the occupation, Ahmad’s brother was driving his car in Iraq and was shot and killed by American soldiers. They later admitted it was a case of mistaken identity. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He was just one more civilian killed with impunity. Ahmad called me in tears. I couldn’t believe I was one of the first people he told about this.

I was shaken by my own complicated emotions. It was terrible. I felt guilty, complicit and as if he’d have every reason to hate me as an American. At the same time, I was honored that he called me, and I overwhelmingly admired his sense of fairness and forgiveness in the midst of grief.

We got through that moment. And eventually the protests died down though the endless war dragged on, and Americans and Iraqis continued to die in senseless, unnecessary and brutal ways. Once Ahmad brought his wife and daughter to my home for a potluck. But I could feel him pulling away. I worried that I reminded him of very painful things. I invited him to events, but he rarely accepted. Eventually, we drifted apart for 20 years.

The other day, a notification popped up on my Facebook, a request from an account with a non-Latin alphabet. I hit the “delete” button before I even had a chance to register it. Then, a second later, I realized the script hadn’t been Hindi or Chinese, like a lot of spam, but Arabic. And I can still sort of read Arabic, picking out letters like a first grader. So, I spent ten minutes struggling to undo my delete and get the notification back. Something, some intuition or the first letter, that tall straight Arabic letter A at the beginning of the name nagged at me.

And then, there he was, his full name and his photo--still the same ageless face, hardly seeming older at all, though by now he must be in his sixties. I sent him a friend request back and hoped against hope that he’d respond even though I’d deleted his request. We hadn’t had Facebook back in 2003-2005.

A few days later my phone rang with the weird electronic beeping that heralds an app call rather than a cell call. And there was Ahmad, my old friend. His voice was the same as always, comforting and kind with his lilting accent utterly unchanged. I’ve changed so much that I doubt he could conceive of my life now--half a world away in the US, going to graduate school and living by scavenging with two teenage kids and a broken marriage.

I was on deadline and didn’t really have the time, but we talked for over an hour anyway, sketching out twenty years for each other and mostly not talking politics.

I did ask him at one point, “Do you believe me now? This--what’s happening in the US—surely, you see it. This is what I was talking about. Some of us saw the warning signs back then. I’m still fighting the same war.”

He agreed, but seemed stumped for words of comfort, much the way I had been all those years ago when it was his family on the line.

When they claim it's all about ancient hatred...

When Russia first invaded Ukraine, I spent every spare minute helping a scrappy group of aid workers evacuate Ukrainian refugees from the war. At the same time, I was juggling my intensive work with my kids with special needs, including mountains of paperwork.

A family member would take my kids for an hour or so, and I’d shoot out a message on the encrypted chat saying that I had a few minutes to help. I was immediately sent the coordinates of and basic information about a small group or family of refugees and the border crossing they hoped to get to. My job was to use Ukrainian Cyrillic maps, my knowledge of the region and a steady stream of military reports to plot a safe course for the refugees across hundreds of miles of hot territory.

The situation in war changes minute by minute and while some roads were better than others for a while, there were no actual safe zones. I had to keep up with the incident reports of the war. More than once, I was about to route refugees down a well-used road or over a bridge, only to have it bombed and have to call them back at the last minute.

Creative /Commons image by vasenka photography

It was always a race against time, no matter when I logged on. Once we had foreign drivers headed for a children’s home to evacuate orphaned babies and they couldn’t find the street address in the identified town, because in accordance with Eastern European custom, the address was listed as being in the town, when it was actually in one of the outlying villages. Knowing this, I found it just in time and the drivers were redirected.

Then something started to raise my hackles.

More and more of the people I worked with in the international organization expressed animosity toward Russians. By this I mean toward ordinary people. We always hated Putin and the oligarchs and the military. But increasingly there were vicious jokes and fantasies about killing Russians in informal comments.

At first, I said nothing. They had reason. It was stressful work and they were letting off steam. From what I could tell, the Ukrainians among us would have no part of it. They had more reason, but they were more reticent to start with the talk of hate and killing. Maybe it was too real to them. Eventually, I mentioned that hate wasn’t what we were about, and several of my colleagues became irate.

Didn’t I want the Ukrainians to win? Clearly, the Russians are the aggressors here.

And despite levels of complexity I am aware of in the conflict that some of my colleagues were not, yes, I agreed on general principle.

BUT that doesn’t change the issue. How many times have Americans been the aggressors in a war or invasion? If being a citizen of an aggressor nation made one worthy of death, then I and most of the volunteers would be sentenced too.

And I know well what it is like to disagree with a powerful military machine in one’s own country. When I was involved with international organizations against the US invasion of Iraq, alongside Iraqi dissidents, no one talked about wanting to kill Americans. Thank goodness.

Beyond even that though, I strongly dislike fueling the narrative of hatred in this war. It isn’t good in any war, but in this case, it makes even less sense than usual. I’ve yet to see a war that wasn’t utterly senseless and stupid, but this one takes the cake.

I know some reasons why our Ukrainian colleagues may have been silent that many of the Americans and Europeans in the group might not. One reason is that Ukrainian citizens are about a third Russian and there is no clear dividing line. Families are mixed. Friends are intertwined. No one made much of it until recently.

This has, of course, made the shock and terror of this war even worse for the people most closely effected. In the first days of the war, I noted that many of the refugees speaking to journalists as they crossed into Poland were actually speaking Russian, not Ukrainian. Of course, the fighting was heaviest in the eastern part of Ukraine, where most of the people speak Russian and have strong ties to Russia. In the first days, the war was not just a war of Russia against Ukraine, but also a war of Russian power holders against people they saw as their somewhat disloyal serfs.

Still, there has been some real tension between Ukrainians and Russians for years, though most of that was among the political elites and those involved in nationalist groups. Ordinary people, especially in Eastern Ukraine where the conflict has centered, have been so intermingled that few can say they are one-hundred percent Ukrainian or one-hundred percent Russian.

Twenty years ago, some of my closest friends in Prague were a group of artists from the Ukrainian city of Kharkiv who called themselves the Tender Russian Painters, though their last names—Boyko, Chernenko and so on—named them more as Ukrainian than Russian.

Though Russian was the language they spoke most often, they were eclectic artists, mostly not even painters. They also weren’t particularly tender.

They set up a safe house for refugees from the authoritarian regimes in Russia and Belarus without any official backing and took no crap. I entered their world as a journalist but soon became an honorary member. The safehouse often had its electricity cut for lack of funds and we’d talk by candlelight with groups of dissidents who had to flee their homes due to incredibly minor disagreements with the Russian and Belarusian regimes. I’d bring a giant pot of potato and cabbage soup and listen to their stories.

None of these people ever made much of their various ethnicities. Ukrainian, Russian, Rusyn and Belarusian flew around in a swirl of eastern Slavic words that I certainly couldn’t untangle as the lone American in the bunch. Soon they adopted a German and a Nepali migrant worker as well. There was little room in that atmosphere for nationalism or ideology.

Later, when I worked in Ukraine there were ethnic tensions only among fringe elements of society. Most Ukrainians and Russians in eastern Ukraine had plenty of both in their family trees.

When issues did crop up, they were more political than ethnic. There were those who were nationalist and wanted monolithic state languages to stand undiluted. There were also more liberal or cosmopolitan opinions, not just among smaller minority groups but among both Russians and Ukrainians as well.

Recently, reports in the news have revealed the activities of both Russian and Ukrainian extremist and paramilitary groups—precisely the type of rogue combatants who were responsible for the most heinous atrocities in the Balkan wars.

The development of such groups was inevitable, I suppose, even given the scarcity of actual neighborly hatred between ordinary Russians and Ukrainians. A population can only take so much war before some elements crack and become vicious.

Now there are pundits on the region who mutter about “ancient ethnic hatreds.” That’s what they said about Bosnia, Kosovo and Macedonia too. But when I went and walked the streets with the people in those places, I found bewilderment more often than extremism.

“We were neighbors! We were friends.”

“We worked at the same factory. We went to the same school.”

“I didn’t even know what side I was supposed to belong to.”

That is the reality for the people in the towns and villages of eastern Ukraine as well. Yes, there were Russian activists and hot heads who took money from Putin’s stooges to stir up controversy and make an appearance of widespread grievances among the Russian minority. But the actual concern for locals was limited to wanting to use their native language at school or wanting more investment from the Ukrainian capital, not less.

And on the other side, yes, many Ukrainians felt the oppressive weight of Russia as a foreign superpower glowering over them for years. That was why many Ukrainians voted for measures to require that all citizens of the country learn Ukrainian as well as any minority language they might speak. But that was about as far as the tensions went for most people.

Both Russia and the US meddled in this. Russian interests funded Russian nationalist groups and the US funded Ukrainian nationalist groups, including most unfortunately some with ties to neo-Nazi associations. Both superpowers attempted to interfere in Ukrainian elections for at least twenty years.

The fact is that Russia felt the diminishing of its national power and influence as Ukraine became a separate country, and the US wanted anti-Russian sentiment in Ukraine to increase for geo-political purposes. The extremist groups were the only ones either major power could get to raise their concerns locally.

The fact that I point out these uncomfortable issues does not make me an apologist for Russian aggression. There is no excuse for the kind of illegal and idiotic imperialism that Putin and the Russian military have unleashed on Ukraine. Ukrainians have a right to self-determination. Even if US involvement was, in this case, less brutal and bloody, it was also an infringement of that right, which then handed Putin an unfortunate propaganda bludgeon in this war.

The fact remains that this is not a war based on “ethnic hatred.” Most Ukrainians and most Russians have been dragged into the conflict kicking and screaming. This is instead a war of geo-politics.

But wars do create hatred and deeply held enmity. These militarized nationalist groups won’t disappear even if a ceasefire is signed or certain powerful leaders die or undergo regime change. Both governments are likely to deny responsibility for ongoing violence by the paramilitaries they created.

Why does this matter now? Why discuss it if there is nothing we can do?

Because talk of hatred will inevitably lead to a withdrawal of empathy, not just for those we see as the enemy but even for those we think of as the victims. When we in countries that have not recently fought a war at home dismiss the conflicts of others as the product of some implacable “ancient ethnic hatred,” we tell ourselves that this is something that happens only in such barbaric places and we set ourselves apart from the kind of backward people who engage in “ethnic hatred.”

In reality, the US shares responsibility for part of this mess. The US supported extremist groups that have morphed into the kind of paramilitaries that escalate communities toward hatred.

Ordinary Ukrainians and Russians were about as ready to go to war with each other as Oregonians and Idahoans (which if you live in Eastern Oregon, you’ll get that analogy even more explicitly). Yes, there were differences. Yes, some even rallied to secede and join their eastern neighbor. But it was geopolitics that made it erupt in war, not hatred among people.

It is crucial that we do not use such easy explanations to dismiss and distance ourselves from people suffering war on the other side of the world. They are more like us than is comfortable.